Sunday, September 14, 2008

fashion advice from the fashionably unfashionable...

This is an open letter to the women of the world,

I admit, I am no fashion maven. The only reason I know what Jimmy Choo and Manolo Blanic are is from watching Sex and the City. But don't ask me to identify them on the street - I would be clueless. I'm more a Lane Bryant/Wal-Mart/Fashion Bug kinda girl. But even I can spot some serious fashion "don't"s when out and about.

First, let's talk about a topic near and dear to everyone's hearts, literally and figuratively. Breasts.

I know men dig them, and those of us who have them like to flaunt them. But, the older and wiser you get, the more your boobs should be viewed as an acessory instead of the entire outfit. Let's be honest - unless I know you really well I should not have intimate knowedge of just how big and what color your areolas and nips are. Put that shit away. Leave something to the imagination, and for the love of God - give those puppies some support. Your 10 year older self will thank you when you don't have to dodge tucking your boobies accidentally into the waistband of your pants. To an extent the jiggle is hot to guys I'm sure, but when it looks like they're going to take flight, it's just disturbing.

But, enough about the "the girls." Let's move on to lower persuits, the waistline.

Your pants need to fit. In your real size. If they don't and you're just obsessed with a number and grab pants too small you get the phenomenon called muffin top. Basically this means you look like you have a tiny waist/butt (congrats) but your upper body is all fluffed out and you look like a walking human lollipop (oh, bummer). This is not at all cute. We all know where all that stuff actually belongs so you're not fooling anyone. Knock it off. It has to hurt - how do you breath?? And we don't wanna see your undies or your crack either. Please - do you want me to swipe my ATM card and see if you make change or attempt to flick a quarter in between your buttcheeks, cause you look like a piggy bank? Your mom called - she's not proud.

And one more area of discussion - your feet.

Stop buying shoes that don't fit! Gah! If you little piggies aren't actually sitting on shoe, the shoe doesn't fit! You look like a parrot on a perch with nasty claw toes. And just because they have an awesome pedicure, it doesn't make up for the fact that your toes are hanging out of your shoes. This is why they invented actual peep-toe shoes and sandals.

Again, I'm not saying I don't have a million things wrong with what I wear on a daily basis. I'm just venting on things that drive me nutty fruitcake.

Thanks for being my internet therapist,




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