I'm on a top secret mission...

Tonight, I shall attempt to take video proof that the light craziness in my neighborhood is spreading like a very slow-moving, blinking swine flu.

The mismatched, unplanned, siezure-inducing nightmare that one neightbor shared last year has spread into his neighbor's yard. Multiple strands of lights with blinking effects, twitching in a festive display of sheer chaos and terror. It's like someone went crazy with a bedazzler on their yards.

Guess I should just be glad they don't diplay an entire gaggle of those blow-up creatures.

Things I remember….

I remember the fear. The dread. The pain. The anger.

I remember feeling crazy. The kind of crazy that you think can only be solved with booze, drugs and therapy. The kind of crazy you think only lives on trashy TV shows and in best-selling books. The kind of crazy that can’t be explained with mere words.

I remember reading e-mails. The words blurring on the page as they choked me (my heart), and beat me (my soul), and screamed at me (my ears).

Kneeling on the floor of my bathroom, puking, heaving, sobbing. Thinking I should mop more often, start a bonfire with his clothes, buy a new toilet brush, act out a Carrie Underwood song, regrout.

The first time it came out of nowhere. The second, I was in constant fear. The third….the fourth….the ones I never knew about? They tore me apart, smoothly and with skill, brick by brick, till there was nothing left but regret.

Mysterious phone calls in call logs. And the voices on the other line when I confronted. So cautious and cocky at the same time. Like they’d won some prize in a discount lottery. “That’s between you and him. Not me.”

I rebuilt this person, who I am today, one brick at a time. The mortar is damp. The foundation still leveling.

I want it to be something beautiful. Something I can be proud of. Real estate not just anyone can afford. And I promised myself no more bulldozers and demolitions. I deserve at least that much.

------------

I wrote this a long time ago. I remembered it today and just felt it needed shared.

Hate on me, hater. Now or later, 'Cuz I'm gonna do me, you'll be mad baby.

A few thoughts for the week that will make no sense to anyone but me, mostly.

1. I think the quantities of Diet Coke I've been ingesting (in the lime twist and cherry varities) in the last few years have finally started to eat a hole in my stomach. There's a reason you can use it to clean the terminals on a car battery. UGH. Must chug antacid. Or, it could be turkey and stuffing overload. Ask again next week. I may need to switch to a high H2O intake for a while.

2. You shouldn't open Pandora's box unless you're 100% certain you can accept what's inside. Once it's open, it's impossible to close. Even the people who didn't have a choice in opening the box can't close it.

3. Wikipedia defines an ethical dilemma as: "a complex situation that will often involve an apparent mental conflict between moral imperatives, in which to obey one would result in transgressing another. This is also called an ethical paradox since in moral philosophy, paradox plays a central role in ethics debates." Some days I envy the dumb, pointless lumps of what could be considered humanity that stumble around without a conscious. But only a teeny tiny bit. Then I wake up and smell the reality.

4. Sometimes you love your relatives very, very much but you still wanna smack them upside the head in hopes that it gives them a a ride on the clue train. You can't help someone who doesn't help themselves. I struggle with trying to remember this - I care, but it's no my problem and I can't fix it. (and shouldn't - it's not really my job)

5. Can someone define normal for me? I think I've forgotten what it should look like.

6. I am still in the process of trying to make myself a better person inside and out. I doubt this process ever ends, but some quality milestones would be nice every now and then. One day at a time. One day at a time.

Hope everyone had a good Turkey Day. I played chef for my family and a few friends, and whipped up a turkey (which took 2 boxes of stock and 2 bottles of beer to make - lush turkey with a drinking problem, I tell ya!), ham, mashed taters, sweet tater casserole, green bean casserole (my own recipe) Michael Symon's fried brussel sprouts, homemade gravy, from-scratch cranberry sauce and lazy people's store bought rolls.

My grandmother, the queen of all pastry, made the pumpkin pies. And I visited my fave baker to pick up a dutch cherry pie. (Great Scott's stickers don't lie - it's bakery you'll dream of!)

It went really well and my house hasn't been this clean in ages.

I want an instruction manual!

And a rules book!

When it comes to men, I don't think I'm totally clueless, but they always find new and surprising ways to confuse/frustrate me.

Why doesn't this get easier as we get older?

This counts for guys you date, are friends with or are related to.

Interesting week....

Quick recap of FFG's life - still in the same job, living in same house and driving same HHR, dated a boy for a year, broke up with the boy (he 100% did me a favor) hit a deer (story for another time - poor Blu!), still bowling, being goofy with friends, trying to lose weight, get healthy and broaden my horizons as a human being. Oh, and I miss blogging and having near-strangers comment on my life. So, here I am. :-)

Now, onto this week -

Last weekend went on a road trip with friends to Columbus. Met a very interesting boy, got to see friend's get re-engaged officially with a very adorable proposal (I videotaped it), had some retail therapy and played in a whirlpool.

Oh, also had dinner at my cheesy fave chain restaurant, O'Charleys. Let's just say Cotton Candy Cosmos are way yummier than originally thought, and wickedly potent.

In general, it was just nice to escape from Cleveland for a bit. I need to go on another road trip soon - or plan a trip to someplace warm in Jan./Feb. (Maybe Vegas, Florida or Cali....?) I miss checking out new places and trying new things.

At work this week, pulled off a very cool project. I helped create a special dancing flash mob for a licensing announcement. I choreographed a short dance, taught it to about 75 employees from across the company and kept it all secret till it was performed at work. It was a lot of fun to shake things up a bit and get our employees excited/cheerful with something out of the ordinary. Now I just have to brainstorm the next big thing...

Looking forward to a four-day weekend next week, filled with turkey, family and possibly some holiday shopping. I have a pretty short list of people to buy for this year, which is nice. Means I can focus a little more and not feel rushed. Hopefully I can find the perfect items.

Still a TON of projects to work on for the house. Hoping I get my act together in the winter months since I won't be as motivated to run around.

To-do list includes:

- finish stripping wallpaper and paint spare bathroom
- paint/recaulk main bathroom
- convert computer room into fitness/dressing room
- finish organizing craft room (It's a scary disaster - so glad it has a door!)
- get carpets cleaned

Also considering one of those 101 in 1001 days lists. If I can come up with enough stuff, I may post that as a New Year's resolution of sorts.

Also have high hopes I will get a call from a local publication about something a bunch of friends and family nominated me for. (Hello, Cleveland Magazine. I'm cute, funny and gosh darn it people like me! And mt birthday's in Feb. How sweet a b-day gift would that be? )

Dating is fun but it sucks, too.

I decided to pull this post. Why? Because it sounded bitter, and I'm really not bitter. I was just frustrated. Just like you shouldn't text or call when you're drunk, you shouldn't post or e-mail when cranky.

Thanks...

Illustration Friday - "Hollow"

This is my contribution to this week's Illustration Friday - "Hollow"

'Cause sometimes mine feels just a little....hollow.

In a cooking mood...

This was awesomely yummy! 1 pita & garlic hummus from Judy's Oasis at Westside Market + 1 slice Garlic Cheese from Fave Westside Market Cheesemonger (Always forget thir name - but they are down by the streudel and fudge vendors) + diced green peppers, peas, red onion, mushrooms & black beans from the salad bar at work, nuked till the cheese melted. It just sounded good today for no reason. Might have to do this again. (Although, it does have side effects - A vampire wouldn't get within a mile of me today. Stinky, stinky...even with brushing teeth and minty gum)

Going to make Ohio City Pasta Papradelle with diced cherry smoked sausage, a splash of EVOO and a variety of diced veggies (red pepper, mushrooms, onion, sugar snap peas, tomato, zucchini) for dinner tonight. Maybe a drizzle of balsamic to finish it, hmmm....

I love going to the Westside Market on the weekends - totally inspires me to cook all week!