Thursday, September 25, 2008

Playing with balls...

...get your mind out of the gutter.

No, really! The gutter is a bad place to be when it comes to this post. (And you shouldn't be a pervy-pervington. Shame on you!)

Last night kicked off the 08/09 bowling league season. It's a work league and I love it because of the people I get to hang out with. There have been nights when I've laughed so hard I cried. I'm all about the socializing...

The team I'm on is in it for pure fun. We're not super competitive, which is a very good thing considering that up till when I joined the league I had bowled maybe 2 times in my life TOTAL. I will even confess that I've had the lowest average on the league for the last 2 years. Even lower than the cute little 84 year old lady who bowls with a 4 lb. ball... But all that is changing folks! Last night we set starting averages for the year and I had one wild night. I'm sitting at 117 to start. I'm excited, because my average has never been above 100, but also a little scared since I'm not sure I can keep up with this one.

But, enough on the bowling...

I've been avoiding talking about the weight loss situation the last 2 weeks because I've been crazy busy at work and kind of stressed. Lots of big projects are hitting at the same time, which means a lot of late nights and I'm feeling a little wacky. I've been eating ok, but sometimes I don't get to grab something till late or don't eat anything at all. I'm guessing my body is kinda pissed at me. I did pop in the gym a few times (thank goodness for their early/late hours), but I have been avoiding the trainer. Once I get a few of these work things completed, I might suck it up and go deal with him, but right now he'll probably just frustrate me.

I weigh in tomorrow for WW, so we'll see what happens...

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

American badass....

I like to think of myself as a fairly tough chick. I try not to take too much crap from anyone and I'm not afraid to get a little dirty. But, even we ballsy women have a limit. I think a few of us found that out this weekend.

Went to a bonfire and Jenn and John's house Saturday night. While we were sitting around the fire in the dark, this creepy noise started coming from the woods. It seriously sounded like one of those plastic giggle/groan tubes being shaken and moving closer to us slowly, but there was no noise like footsteps or leaves crackling or sticks breaking. John said he'd heard it before, too. They busted out the mega-spotlight flashlight and looked and looked but never saw anything moving and the noise finally went away after two appearances. Wayyy creepy. Guess the verdict is we think it was either a baby deer, a coyote, or the spirits of the undead coming to eat out brains! LoL

Then, later on at like 2 in the morning there was a noise right along the edge of the trees that sounded like something growling! Let me say you have never seen two girls jump outta lawn chairs so fast! My cousin and I jumped up and hid behind everyone while John looked for the flashlight, since we were the closest to the sound. And what did we find once the light was shining brighly on our culprit this time.....?

A little kitten that was MAYBE 6 months old coughing up a hairball and mewling/groaning in a pitiful way.

Yeah, I don't see any bravery awards coming my way anytime soon. Anyone wanna take me to a haunted house this year and see what happens? LoL

Sample of a giggle/groan tube -

Sunday, September 14, 2008

fashion advice from the fashionably unfashionable...

This is an open letter to the women of the world,

I admit, I am no fashion maven. The only reason I know what Jimmy Choo and Manolo Blanic are is from watching Sex and the City. But don't ask me to identify them on the street - I would be clueless. I'm more a Lane Bryant/Wal-Mart/Fashion Bug kinda girl. But even I can spot some serious fashion "don't"s when out and about.

First, let's talk about a topic near and dear to everyone's hearts, literally and figuratively. Breasts.

I know men dig them, and those of us who have them like to flaunt them. But, the older and wiser you get, the more your boobs should be viewed as an acessory instead of the entire outfit. Let's be honest - unless I know you really well I should not have intimate knowedge of just how big and what color your areolas and nips are. Put that shit away. Leave something to the imagination, and for the love of God - give those puppies some support. Your 10 year older self will thank you when you don't have to dodge tucking your boobies accidentally into the waistband of your pants. To an extent the jiggle is hot to guys I'm sure, but when it looks like they're going to take flight, it's just disturbing.

But, enough about the "the girls." Let's move on to lower persuits, the waistline.

Your pants need to fit. In your real size. If they don't and you're just obsessed with a number and grab pants too small you get the phenomenon called muffin top. Basically this means you look like you have a tiny waist/butt (congrats) but your upper body is all fluffed out and you look like a walking human lollipop (oh, bummer). This is not at all cute. We all know where all that stuff actually belongs so you're not fooling anyone. Knock it off. It has to hurt - how do you breath?? And we don't wanna see your undies or your crack either. Please - do you want me to swipe my ATM card and see if you make change or attempt to flick a quarter in between your buttcheeks, cause you look like a piggy bank? Your mom called - she's not proud.

And one more area of discussion - your feet.

Stop buying shoes that don't fit! Gah! If you little piggies aren't actually sitting on shoe, the shoe doesn't fit! You look like a parrot on a perch with nasty claw toes. And just because they have an awesome pedicure, it doesn't make up for the fact that your toes are hanging out of your shoes. This is why they invented actual peep-toe shoes and sandals.

Again, I'm not saying I don't have a million things wrong with what I wear on a daily basis. I'm just venting on things that drive me nutty fruitcake.

Thanks for being my internet therapist,


Friday, September 12, 2008

Got peach butt?

I do! Courtesy of my lunch on Thursday, you get fruit mooned!

"Oh crap!"

Surfing the channels last night and I came across what has to be the goofiest TV show I have ever seen. It was a train wreck and a half, so of course I couldn't tear my eyes away. (I waste many an hour of my life on stupid crap, what can I say) The show is Fox's "Hole in the Wall," and adaptation of a Japanese gameshow. I had 2 friends call/text me while I was starring at it to say "OMG - are you watching what I am watching?" A least I'm not alone is my loser-ness. LoL

Before I share my reponse to the show, let me help explain it to you. Remember those red puzzle ball's you (or a child you know) had as a baby - the ones where there were different shaped holes and little pieces you had to try and fit into the ball by shoving them through the correct holes? This is basically like that, but with people and the hole you have to fit in moves. Oh, and if you screw up, it knocks you into a pool of water.

And the people on the show - they have to wear the WORST outfits I have ever seen a human willingly wear. I'm sorry, but there is not enough prize money in the world to get me into one of those silver suits on national television - and I'm not exactly shy! They look like little human Chipotle burittos wrapped in foil, with every bump and curve on display for the world. Ummm. No.

Last night's show was apparently "try to see if fat people can fit through a tiny, tiny hole" night. Extra hell no. My boobs and butt simply would not work on this show - let alone the rest of me. GAH! They had on sumo wrestlers and some little chubby ladies called the Georgia Peaches. The one girl seriously cracked me up. I could feel her pain as she exclaimed "Oh Crap!" I would've said the same damn thing. My leg has not been that far behind my head since high school. Here's the snippet with her in it. I love the "Oh crap!" face. :-)

I could not stop laughing! I might check the show out again, just for the entertainment value, but I'm doing it strictly online so I can quickly skim for the good parts and skip the lames ones. You can check it out too, if you curious and want to waste some time -

I'm loving the comments (And shame on those of you who read my stuff and left none - this time it's your turn!) here's a question for you - would YOU go on this gameshow? Is there a gameshow you would LOVE to be on? Do tell, do tell!

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Saw an article for the new iPod Nano Apple just released. Apparently you can now make it switch songs by shaking it. So started the following chain of e-mails between me and my buddy J.

From: Chars

so will it change songs every 2 seconds if I go jogging with it? LoL

From: J

As if you jog... lol

From: Chars

smart butt. Hmph You never know. Maybe I'll wake up one morning with this huge desire to jog around the block and then what? iPod catastrophe!

From: J

By the time you jog, they'll be out with another version... No need to worry yourself :P

Damn, I live a charmed life. LoL This conversation actually reminds me of one of favorite greeting cards. There's a funny comic fat lady on the front of the card dressed in sweats and it says - "I recently took up jogging." On the inside it says - "But I had to quit, it was bad for my health. My underwear kept catching on fire."


So wrong, so wrong...

Monday, September 08, 2008

Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways!

Dear beloved Google,

I am sending you this happy birthday message a few days late and I’m ashamed.

You and all of your beautiful apps and gadgets are the sunshine of my internet world. Your efficiency and usability set my heart a flutter and leave me mad with desire for more. How I long to stroke the queries and spiders of your search function, to be embraced in your comforting Gmail arms and taste just a drop of the sweetness that is YouTube, Blogger, Picasa, iGoogle and more….

Passion this strong cannot be quelled in a moment, but must be explored for a lifetime. I visit the swell of your electronic busom daily seeking the succor you deliver to my knowledge and social networking needs. The way you take possession of desirable internet companies ingnites a spark in me that I cannot explain with mere words and leaves me breathless.

Please do not hold my faux pas against me as losing you would crush my very being and leave me as a mere husk of a woman.

Thank you for all that you have provided in your first 10 years and all that you will be in my life now and for always.

Love, kisses and unmentionables,

Your biggest fan


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