Monday, April 27, 2009


I think I finally know why it takes men less time to get ready than women. It's not the make up and the hair, it's not even the clothes and accessories people can see. It's the underwear. Men only have socks, the occasional undershirt and man panties to worry about. (Note: be prepared for an overshare LoL)

Let's evaluate men's underclothing options.

Socks are easy: 99.9% of them are white. Most guys own a few black pairs for work and dress up (not for mowing the lawn, please!) and that's it. Both options come in different heights, but we don't care which you wear as long as you're not wearing shorts.

Undershirts: Plain white shirts worn under dress or work shirts. I can only guess this is to hide the manly chest hair and keep the pit stains from leeching into the actual shirt. Other than that, someone may need to fill me in.

Undies: If they even wear them, this is the only category where it gets tricky. Most men have 3 style options: boxers, briefs and boxer/briefs. The color choice is predominantly white. (we gals consider ourselves lucky if our man has braved the murky depths of colored underthings. In a perfect world they'd wear black underwear all the time. I'm guessing this would save us a lot of head shaking when doing the laundry. "How did you? What the...?") And boxers can run the gamut - from freebies with beer and soda logos, to cartoons and sports team logos.

Now, with women it's a whole new ballgame. We've got undies, bras, socks/hosiery and sometimes other additional gadgetry to make us look fabulous.

Socks: We like them in colors, and different fabrics, and pantyhose, and knee-highs and with garter belts and fishnets and lines up the back and patterns and textures and some suck us in while others make us look tan.... oi, you get the picture.

Bras: I'm lazy and Wikipedia sums it up for me just fine. The wire vs underwire will be a debate till we die. So will front vs back hookers.

Undies: Men are smart. They go for what's comfy. We, on the other hand, have comfy (briefs, bikinis, hi-cuts, boylegs) and devices of torture (thongs, g-strings, crotchless - seriously, what wear anything?) They can tie on the sides, or lace up the back, they come in a plethora of colors and sometimes they have matching bras. (and you look funny in a plaid bra and polka dot panties...)

Misc.: This is crazy territory. Spanx, ASSets, corsets and bustiers (which may be in two categories at the same time. An undies/bra combo) Smoothing tanks and padded butt enhancers. Cutlets and tape. And I'm sure there's other stuff I've never even heard or seen.

And alotta this crap is hand-washable only. Why???

And women - you know exactly what I'm talking about when I say this. You can deny it all you want but we all do it in some fashion. We have "levels" of underwear. From wear and toss because they're on their last legs (kinda like some guy's everyday undies) to "Date night" ensembles for special occasions. When was the last time you heard a man who thought he was gonna get lucky say "Oh, well I better put the special "date night" underwear on. Pshaw!

The choices can make your head spin. It would be way easier if we had all white socks, all tan panty house, all white bras and undies or all black, and were done with it! But, I guess it wouldn't be half as much fun.

Why this rant now?

1. I bought a new bra. Something called a "plunge" bra. You might assume the name is because it has a deep neckline.... but you would be wrong. It's because it pulls your boobs into something that's mythical, like a unicorn. You've heard of it but never seen it except in the Victoria's Secret catalog. They're fluffed and puffed to the point it looks like someone could dive in and swim around for ages in a pool of cleveage. You know it's a bra made by the devil when your mom sees you wearing it and exclaims "Good lord, have they always been that big?" Ladies, I've found bra nirvana and it's illegal in several states. I strongly reccomend you run out and try one of these on ASAP. Gravity be damned!

2. I had an incident with a new sundress this Saturday while taking the plunge bra for a test spin around the local grocery store. I apparently underestimated the wind and the aerodynamics of my dress. As I stepped out of Blu, the whole darn thing flipped up like I was Marilyn Monroe straddling a street grate. Before I could get the disaster under control a woman stepping out of a massive pick up truck started cracking up (I think she was laughing hard enough she may have peed a little) All I could say to her was "glad I could share my underwear with you today!" (At least they were well-covering and cute "date night" style undies) I'm hoping anyone else within viewing distance was distracted enough by the bountiful bosom they missed the rest of the show.

Moral - there is a reason why your mother always said wear nice underwear, and it wasn't just because you might get in an accident and have your jeans cut off. Oneday, you might just step outta your car and become an unwitting member of the Britney Spears-esque ranks. Oh, wait. She didn't wear any underwear.

Welcome to my world....


soar like an osprey said...

You mean that was YOU that I saw outside the grocery store? Wow, ok, see.. I actually thought it WAAAS Marilyn Munroe... I mean, you look so like her!
Strange how the light plays tricks on ones eyes, but then maybe I was just distracted by the color of the dress? :p


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